“You’ve never seen it miss this house and miss that house, then come after you.”
Awhile back I read a blog post that referenced this line from the movie Twister. The author related it to pregnancy and infant loss, and it stuck with me because that’s exactly how I felt last Summer. Surrounded by announcements, bumps, and infants. The storm missed all their babies, but came straight for ours. Stole it from us. Wrecked our hearts and their perfect plans.
I think that feeling accompanies any loss, illness, or tragedy though. You get hit with something awful and your first thought is Why? Why my house, spouse, child, parent, sibling, friend? Why anyone? Oh, God, WHY?
Unfortunately faith does not always provide the answers to hard questions. But it does give peace that transcends all understanding and overcomes fear.
If you let it.
Fear and anxiety have loomed ominous over me as we continue along our path to starting a family. For the most part I’ve been optimistic but the clouds are always there, lingering in the not-so-distant background.
Because once you’ve experienced a loss, the rose colored glasses are off. And if you put yourself out there enough to hear from numerous others who have had far more traumatic experiences than your own, you know: there is no “safe zone” in pregnancy. No weekly milestone you can pass that will ensure a healthy baby. Only when they are out of your belly and in your arms can you truly exhale.
If our first child’s heart had continued to beat, it would have been due today. It’s sweet face might have warmed our souls on this cold 18th of January. Or it might have decided to wait. I don’t know. I’ll never know.
But that’s not what gets me. I have accepted the fate of our angel babe and look forward to meeting him or her one day. What’s beyond difficult, is knowing there’s a possibility it may happen again and trying to remain calm and hopeful in the face of that fear.
It’s something I cannot do on my own. So yesterday Ron and I stood in line for miracle prayer at church. They offer it once a month and we’ve never gone, but decided to give it a try.
The bible says in Matthew 18:19: Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.
That’s the whole purpose of miracle prayer. You tell someone what your need is and they say a prayer. Agree, with you.
When we told the man who prayed for us that we had lost a baby and we’re praying for the miracle of healthy new life, he told us he’d been there. He knew that pain. And the way he prayed + the advice he gave about overcoming fear…made me cry. Before we walked away he looked us straight in the eyes and said It’s done. We’ve agreed.
In other words it’s done. He heard. The miracle will be yours.
Luke 1:45. I’ve got to believe He will fulfill His promise to me. Really, truly, with every fiber…believe.
Therefore I’m done. Done with worry, and breath-holding and dark cloud gazing. I refuse to live in fear of more pain, in any area of life. If it wants to find me, it will, but Lord help me if it finds me cowering in a corner. No.
It will find me Brave.